she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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