The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
