Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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