So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
