Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize