You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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