Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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