I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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