So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
