...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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