3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
