oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
