I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
