Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
