Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
