Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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