do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He shit in the fireplace
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
