woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
