i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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