You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
