My first STD was from a foam party
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
