i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
