Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
