I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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