Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize