Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
