Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
