I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
