it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
