dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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