Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My bed smells like the plague
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
