if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
