I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
