I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
