I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
