I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
