I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize