she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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