mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
