I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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