She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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