just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
