sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
