I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
