i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
