You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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