My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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