Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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