MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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