in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize