before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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