If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
