would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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