Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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