lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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