Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
operation have a gay friend backfired
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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