Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
